


(wherever I look) there's only you [Grief]

by aceofjapan



Series: YOI Angst Week Ficlets [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Depression, Don't copy to another site, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Post Sochi, YOI Angst Week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26802475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceofjapan/pseuds/aceofjapan
Summary: Victor was at rock bottom, and it was hard and cold and unforgiving like gold.And then there was Sochi. There was Sochi and there was Katsuki Yuuri and there was champagne and dancing and so much light and laughter that he felt dizzy with it.The next morning he’d felt like he was dropped into a dream, a softer world, kinder and more forgiving than the one he had woken up in the morning before.And then…Victor had never crashed so hard.Promo Drabble for YOI Angst Week 2020 (December 7-13).
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri & Victor Nikiforov
Series: YOI Angst Week Ficlets [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954669
Comments: 18
Kudos: 34
Collections: YOI Angst Week 2020





	(wherever I look) there's only you [Grief]

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends,
> 
> This was written as a promo drabble for **YOI Angst Week 2020, which takes place on December 7-13**! Specifically for Day 1 and the prompt Grief!
> 
> As such, please heed the warnings.
> 
> You can find out more about YOI Angst Week on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/yoiangstweek/) and [Tumblr](http://yoiangstweek.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Enjoy!

Fractured light streamed into the window, crawling over the floor and burying itself inside the creases of the bedsheets.

Victor could feel it tingling on its skin, no warmth, but an itching, prickling, prodding him.

Urging him awake, urging him up onto his feet, out of bed.

He didn’t move.

Fingers twisted into the duvet over his chest, he lay, staring, a limp doll, a rag discarded, a clay figure, crumbling.

He didn’t know where to go from here. He didn’t know how to go on.

He didn’t know why.

If he’d been asked before Sochi—and if he had been inclined to give an actual, honest answer—he would have thought there wasn’t any lower for him to go.

Two time Olympian, four-time consecutive world champion and so miserable that he wanted to peel all the skin off his body. 

He was at rock bottom, and it was hard and cold and unforgiving like gold. 

And then there was Sochi. There was Sochi and there was Katsuki Yuuri and there was champagne and dancing and so much light and laughter that he felt dizzy with it.

The next morning he’d felt like he was dropped into a dream, a softer world, kinder and more forgiving than the one he had woken up in the morning before.

And then…

Victor had never crashed so hard.

His descent into the cold, rigid reality of being a Living Legend had been slow, so gradual that he had barely realised it, until he’d one day found himself surrounded by walls. 

No one to talk to, no light, no warmth, no softness of any kind. 

This was nothing like that. 

This was nothing of that kind.

This was a plummet from a great height, sudden and irreversible, punching all the breath out of his body and leaving him shattered into pieces too small to ever put back together.

This was a flash fire, burning brightly for a short while and consuming him wholly in the process, until all that was left was ash and dust, a blackened pyre where he lay.

This was different.

Hard and violent and so sudden that it made him reel. 

Victor had never experienced anything like it. He had been so utterly unable to guard his heart against Katsuki Yuuri, and now he was paying the price.

Now he was lying in this bed on sheets that felt hard as concrete under his back that was protesting his long immobility, and he didn't know how to go on.

He knew he would have to move eventually. as much as inertia was holding him down, clinging to his limbs like lead, he would have to get up, for the sake of Makkachin, if nothing else. Makkachin needed to be fed and walked, and Victor knew when he needed to he would drag himself out of bed for her, and only for her. Even if he might just collapse back on the bed or the couch as soon as he walked back in the door.

But even that, he knew, could not go on forever. He had taken a couple of weeks off from skating, and for once, Yakov had not protested. Had just let him go with a gruff word and a wave of his hand and a call to Victor's cell phone every few days to check on him. But his reprieve was running out quickly, so quickly, and Victor didn't know how to go on.

Couldn't face the reality of going back to the ice, the routine of skate, stretch, run, dance, couldn't—he couldn't...

The thought of a new season, the thought of new programs was unbearable to him. He felt like there wasn't enough left of him to even strap any skates to. He was only smoke now, only shadow, a grey void with no end and no beginning.

He didn't know how to find his way out.

The sunlight was creeping on over the sheets now, engulfing more of his arm in its glow, but still he couldn't feel any warmth. Eyes fixed on the way the fine, pale hair on the back of his arm stood out starkly gleaming against the backlight, he let the rest of the world fall out of focus. The edges of the room went blurry, the soft rustle of the sheets and distant hum of the heating went dull.

Sometimes, like this, on the edges of his awareness, Victor could see him.

It wouldn't do to look too closely at him—he was only ever there in the corners of Victor's vision, a vague shape, though unmistakable.

When he stayed still for long enough, Victor could see him. And he never wanted to move again.

Yuuri was hovering by the window, backlit by the sun's glare. Victor could see barely more than his outline, the rest of his form and face cast into shadow. But Victor could feel his warmth, the way it crept over his skin where the sun had been unable to reach him. Even from a distance, Yuuri always felt so, so warm.

Victor didn't dare move, didn't dare turn his head. Eyes still fixed on the hair of his arm, now standing on end, he knew that the slightest movement could chase Yuuri away. But he opened his mouth and whispered into the stillness of the room. Whispered all the things that weighed so heavy on his tongue and in the back of his throat now, leaden with all the meaning they could never express. All the words that Victor wished he could have said. All the words he would now never get a chance to.

"I don't remember ever being as happy as I was when I danced with you."

"There is nothing as beautiful as the music you create with your body."

"You deserve so much more. You deserve the world. I wanted to give you the world."

"I would have liked nothing more than to be your coach."

"I miss you."

"I know I didn't know you, but I miss you, I miss you, I miss you."

"I wish you'd stayed."

There is a bark as Makkachin bursts into the bedroom through the half-open door, and Victor flinches.

Yuuri disappears.

Makkachin jumps up on the bed, unknowing, only wanting to lick at Victor's hands and demand breakfast and a walk with a wag of her tail. The spell is broken now and Victor moves, easily running his fingers through Makkachin's curls. He even lets her coax him out of bed, and doesn't let her hear any real bitterness in his voice when he gently scolds her for getting between his feet as he tries to stand up.

He knows, the lead will pull him under again soon enough, but for now, Makkachin is a more than good enough reason to get out of bed. The only reason to get out of bed.

Victor pauses at the door, letting his eyes sweep around the bedroom one more time. It's empty and still, no shadows, no shapes.

And why would there be?

Victor lives alone, and Katsuki Yuuri was buried in Hasetsu.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> You can find me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/nihidea_art), and I have a [Discord server](https://discord.gg/qEPUbsr) that has a dedicated section for Angst Week, if you're interested!
> 
> There are more promo drabbles coming over the next weeks, so if you're into that, don't forget to subscribe to the series!
> 
> In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section! Thank you for reading! 💜💜💜


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